Not Expecting but Hoping

2012 was the year I officially tied the knot and became the missus of the house. But before the rather controversial wedding, (only because some naysayers could not keep their unwanted opinions to themselves), we were in a relationship for almost 7 years. He was my first boyfriend ever. And like most lovers, we did the deed before marriage. We did not use contraceptives of any sorts. For the longest time, I was kinda relieved that I never got a bun in the oven. But little did I know that the temporary relief would turn into frustration and then fear, and eventually depression. Until, I finally lift everything to God and accept my fate.
Any woman dreams to become a mother someday. I too want to be one someday. Breeding is a biological imperative. But it's been almost 11 years, including the boyfriend-girlfriend stage, but we were not blessed with a child as of yet. Every time I see posts on Facebook about my friends who are expecting and are excited to welcome the new addition to their little family, I can't help but be jealous and sorry for myself. It didn't help either that the new moms have this relentless habit of posting pictures of the li'l one. As much as I adore kids, looking at them is a constant reminder of something I don't have.
I have been visiting my Ob-Gyn for the past few years. I have taken tons and tons of vitamins, resorted to "hilot" (because we're traditional like that), visited churches that were referred by good friends, (for spiritual intervention) to no avail. As per my Ob-Gyn, I have a retroverted uterus. According to Women's Health, a retroverted uterus is the name given to a uterus that is tilted backwards inside of the pelvis. Normally, women are born with a uterus that is located in a straight up and down position inside of the pelvis, or with a uterus that tilts slightly forwards, towards the stomach. This is how (my) a retroverted uterus looks like:

In most cases, having a retroverted uterus is completely genetic. In my case though, I think it has something to do with a certain reproductive health problem which is endometriosis. This can cause the uterus to tilt backwards and can lead to scar tissue formation on the inside of the abdomen, forcing the uterus out of position. I think this is particularly true on my case based on the ultrasound result I got from my Ob-Gyn. 

During menstruation, dysmenorrhea is my nemesis. I go bananas each time because the pain is just beyond me. The worst part, I rarely enjoy fornicating because of the pain I feel during intercourse. And I have my retroverted uterus to thank for that.

But no, I haven't completely given up. I am willing to ask for a second, third or 50th opinion. I am willing to undergo some tests and endure the vomit-provoking medication. I am willing to go back to my hometown once every month for my regular "hilot". And feel free to suggest some churches that we can visit anywhere in the Philippines. I am desperate. We are desperate. I am not getting any younger. I wish to be able to give my child the best of everything while I still can. I wish to play dress up with her or watch ball games with him. I wish to see the smiles, hear the giggles or comfort the cries. I wish to tell them that I would go to hell and back for them. I wish to tell them that even when they don't need me anymore, I will always stand by them no matter what.

For now, these are just wishful thinking. For now, I will only have positive thoughts. No overthinking. I accept my fate of becoming a mother one day. YES! I am optimistic.

I am positive one day, I will have a POSITIVE result from my Pregnancy Test. And I promise I will be a swell mom!